Anita Adams retired from a career in newspaper advertising at five different newspapers, followed by a second career as a Meat/Food Inspector for the State of California and Southwest Airlines. Always a Pollyanna, she always knew tomorrow would be better! But sometimes tomorrow took a long time.
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Good Grief
Good Grief
When the elderly woman answered the door, a Western Union messenger stood before her. It was her 80th birthday, and she thought her lifelong dream had come true: a singing telegram wishing her a happy birthday!
“Ma’am,” he said, “I have a telegram for you.”
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “How lovely! Will you sing it for me?”
“Er... uh... well, Ma’am, I don’t think it’s quite appropriate.”
“I don’t care,” she replied. “I’ve always wanted to get a singing telegram! Please sing it to me!”
“Oh. Well, okay...” He cleared his throat and began to sing, "Your sister Sue has passed away..."
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There never is a good way to receive the news that someone has died, but there *are* good ways to cope with trauma. A person goes into a grieving phase. It’s important to file away some helpful information so that you have a point of reference—a road map—for making the journey from traumatic event to acceptance as short and as gentle as possible.
Why do we grieve? Grieving is the emotional process that helps us heal; it allows us to gradually cope with our loss and helps us accept changes that are beyond our control. Grief is a normal response to loss – usually associated with death But, grief can accompany any kind of loss: divorce, loss of a job, loss of a pet.
There are five stages of grief
There are five stages of grief
Denial: We just cannot grasp the event or its impact on our lives. We may feel numb with disbelief—maybe even physically ill. These are normal reactions and a way to protect ourselves from being totally overwhelmed. At this time, surround yourself with as many caring people as possible—it will help ease the pain.
Anger/Guilt: You may lash out at others or blame yourself. You may feel abandoned or regretful over what you *shoulda, woulda, coulda* done. These are normal emotions. Express them—get them out. It is very important to find acceptable ways to handle these feelings; it’s a key step in healing.
Anger/Guilt: You may lash out at others or blame yourself. You may feel abandoned or regretful over what you *shoulda, woulda, coulda* done. These are normal emotions. Express them—get them out. It is very important to find acceptable ways to handle these feelings; it’s a key step in healing.
Bargaining: This stage is a way to avoid facing the reality of our altered existence. You may hear people say, “I’d do anything to make things the way they were.” Yes—but it isn’t possible. Accept these feelings of frustration. Involve yourself in positive activities. Some find that by helping others, they help themselves.
Bargaining: This stage is a way to avoid facing the reality of our altered existence. You may hear people say, “I’d do anything to make things the way they were.” Yes—but it isn’t possible. Accept these feelings of frustration. Involve yourself in positive activities. Some find that by helping others, they help themselves.
Depression: As the reality sets in, you may feel a sense of isolation, loneliness, or sadness. These too are normal and important emotions along the path of healing. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t demand that you feel “normal”—life *is* different, and it takes some getting used to.
Depression: As the reality sets in, you may feel a sense of isolation, loneliness, or sadness. These too are normal and important emotions along the path of healing. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t demand that you feel “normal”—life *is* different, and it takes some getting used to.
Ah—you have gone through the darkest part of your journey and come to an oasis of peace. You can talk openly about the changes in your life and think about the happy times. There will still be moments of darkness and despair. The first Christmas, and other “firsts,” will be trying.
So, how can you help someone else? Listen. Be patient. Offer to help. Accept where they are—and their timetable. Grief is an individual journey. It is their life and their recovery.
Grief is good—it is a tool to be used by you. The road to acceptance is not a smooth freeway, but an old road full of pits.
Part of life is death, and we’re all in this together—no one gets out of life alive.
As for me, I want to die in my sleep like Grandpa...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car!
~ Anita Duncan Adams
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