Vampire Confessions

Hello, my name is Findlay, and I am a vampire.  I am in rehab now and practice the 12-step program every day; it’s tough.  “One night at a time,” we like to say in the program.  When I feel the urge, I repeat my mantra over and over: “I do not suck, I do not suck, I do not suck anymore.”  

I don’t really know how it began, to be honest; it was a long time ago.  But I do remember how much fun it was at first.  You would find a victim, say some witty things, and one thing led to another, and before they knew it, I had sucked all the lifeblood out of them.  

Every night was a new adventure, and I loved the excitement and the dangerous feeling that came with the chase.  Some of my victims I really liked, but others not so much. I felt powerful.  The more I sucked, the more I wanted to suck until I had to suck.  When you get to that point, the glamor fades, and you find you are sucking the blood of folks wouldn’t previously give the time of day to. 

Even worse, I started developing food allergies like lactose intolerance, a nasty reaction to shellfish, and don’t even get me started on peanuts.  I would bloat up, get the worst gas problem, and my face would break out.  I looked like I had leprosy, which, as you can imagine, was not an attractive look to the people I wanted to suck.   

I had to ask potential victims all kinds of embarrassing questions like “Have you had much dairy today?” or “When was the last time you had shellfish?”  My standards dropped so low that I found myself hanging out with ne’er-do-wells, outcasts, and undesirables. I hit bottom when I broke into a blood bank and was arrested.  Sitting in my cell, I knew I needed help.  

Part of my sentence was to regularly donate blood to the blood bank, and yes, the irony of a vampire donating blood is not lost on me. I did find out I have a special kind of blood that doesn’t have common viruses in it, and as a result, they can give it to babies. One pint of my blood can save 40 babies.  When the nurse told me that, my eyes got wet. It feels good to give back to the community.

It wasn’t easy finding a program, but once I did, I was determined to get out of the lifestyle.  Willpower is part of it, and it is often not enough.  For cravings, I go to a Catholic Mass and drink from the chalice, but I have to tell you, it really burns when you are a vampire, but it does help. People don’t realize how powerful that ritual is.  

I’ve been on a good run lately, and I even go outside during the daylight for short periods of time; they have some amazing sunscreen you can get in volume at Costco.  It is also a wonderful moisturizer. There are more of us out there than you would think, and some are quite famous.  

Ever heard of a guy named Santa Claus?  Vampire.  Connect the dots: he lives forever, only goes out at night, and blood red is his favorite color.  What a scam he has: everyone loves him, he’s invited to everyone’s home, and they leave plates of cookies.  He goes back to the North Pole with so much blood every year he doesn’t have to harvest more until next Christmas Eve. Really, to be honest, if I had his gig, I would never pursue rehab.  

I must keep telling myself: “I do not suck!”

~ Findlay McIntosh